JPark Island Resort and Waterpark Cebu, You Make Me Feel Like...

JPark Island Resort and Waterpark Cebu (whew, such a long name), you make me feel like a P...as in Pig.

First you let me eat breakfast. Not just any breakfast, but a buffet breakfast at The Abalone. Expecting to have an activity–packed (slide, slide, slide, swim, swim, swim) day ahead, I gorged on sushi rolls, spicy noodles, kimchi, fried rice, ham, bacon, eggs, pancakes, waffles, tocino, danggit, bread, salads, fruits, cereals, yogurt...making a total of three trips to the wide buffet. The food was worth elbowing my way through swarms of swim–ready guests.

And then you herd me and your other guests to the Triphora function room, where I find out you'd be having a press conference (I thought I was here to slide and swim all day, but beggars can't be choosers, I shall oblige), making me feel very under dressed... like a P... as in Porn star. (I didn't get the memo beforehand that there'd be a presscon in a very formal looking room; I wore nothing but my swimming trunks).

Of course, the presscon was essential for all the important announcements. Announcements that made me ooohhh and aaahhh...
♦ you letting the Imperial Palace franchise go so as not to limit yourself (ooohhh)...
♦ with this comes endless possibilities and new stuff to watch out for, like self check-in, go karts, a casino where only foreigners can gamble (ooohhh why foreigners only? Because JPark is in a PEZA zone where only foreigners can gamble without paying for tax...which is okay by me since I can't afford to gamble anyway, tax or no tax)...
♦ renaming the resort to JPark Island Resort and Waterpark Cebu (a name I find rather meh, but I don't own this place, you do)—a combination of the names of the two big guns of this impressive hotel: J for Justin Uy, same owner as J Mall, and Park for Mr. Uy's Korean partner, Park Young Jun (aaahhh)....
♦ same facility—more than 500 guestrooms, suites, and villas; 8 restaurants; kids' pools; big people's pools; and three water slides—but now with lower room rates for locals (ooohhh have to call 032 494 5255 for room inquiries)...
♦ and that the next item on the agenda was...food tasting.

The food tasting was for the new menu at Olive, your Asian Mediterranean restaurant. Chef Russel Abarquez entered the Triphora function room and introduced his creations. I instantly regretted stuffing myself for breakfast. I wish you had warned me before letting me loose at the breakfast buffet. Now all I could manage was a forkful of each. Regret sure comes in the end. I regret eating breakfast like there's no tomorrow. I regret not being able to eat more than a forkful of the moussaka and truffle pappardelle.


Lunch was Chinese food at Ching Hai. You tried your hardest to feed us the sweet and sour pork (ala carte) and the dimsum basket (Php1100 nett, good for two) which included steamed items (4 pieces each of Ching Hai shrimp dumplings, siomai with crab rice, Ching Hai assorted meat buns), deep fried items (4 pieces each of Ching Hai special taro puffs, shrimp shui jiao with mayonnaise, bean curd roll with prawns), yang chow fried rice, braised noodles with assorted seafood and vegetables, and dessert. Try as I might, and as good as the spread was, my stomach refused to take more than one piece of each. If only I could shamelessly stuff the leftovers into my bag.





After inspecting the pools, I approached the huge ominous water slides, and the huge amount of food in my system also ominously approached the end of the colon line. I grabbed a mat, signed the waiver, and marched up the tower to the open body slide (age limit: 7 years old and above)...the less hairy looking of the three water slides. I zoomed along 120 meters of slippery slope in just a few seconds. The end of the line was the scariest—if I didn't close my mouth, I sure could have swallowed a gallon of pool water. Open body slide, check.

Next up, the tube slide (age limit: 11 years old and above). More scary looking than the open body slide since the tube slide is 156 meters of enclosed space. A slide in the deep dark with just a split second of brightness where a portion of the slide had transparent slits letting light in. Definitely not for the claustrophobic. Tube slide, check.

And, lastly, the granddaddy of JPark's water slides: the Space Bowl! Just 48 meters of enclosed space... nothing compared to the tube slide... but that is not where the heart stops. It is at the bowl, where I felt like I was swirling and roiling in slow motion, when in reality I was spiraling in the bowl for just a second, before dropping into 6.4 feet of water. I felt like poop getting flushed in a toilet, which is what the food I had consumed that day wanted to do.

JPark Island Resort and Waterpark Cebu, you make me feel like P... as in Poop(ing).

Includes free use of towel and lunch or dinner buffet at The Abalone or set dinner at Olive / Ching Hai / Maru Korean Restaurant / Coral Seaside Restaurant